Broke My Own Heart Loving You

                I was your cure and you were my disease, while I was saving you, you were busy killing me. I can only blame myself for what I opened my heart to feel and deal with. I cannot put the blame on anyone but myself; I mean who would give out such a vital organ to get hurt. You played every card in the deck, you won every card-game; you would do me the worst of the worst and where would I be? I would be here, here still thinking about you, here still wanting YOU. It wasn't reciprocated, it wasn't the same but I guess that’s how it goes in a relationship ONE person always loves more, ONE person always put in more & that ONE person always end up getting hurt.

          But if the feelings weren't the same why would you keep me around? Is it because you knew you were my weakness, did you adore the thought of having someone who you could do wrongs and they would still crawl back to you. You had a way of making me feel like I was the criminal but I was only the by-stander.  I am trying to tell myself that you are no good for me, that I am better off without you but my mind not to mention my heart won’t allow it. You seem to be a compass that would always have me coming back to you but did you ever wonder “what if?” What if you had no more control over me, what if I finally got the courage to leave you … I guess we will not know because that has never happened. You are fucked up in so many ways yet gentle in so much more. Each time you did me wrong you ruined a small piece of me and I do not know if there are any pieces of me left. Maybe it was my fault, maybe I fell for you before time, maybe I fell for you not knowing you, maybe I prayed and hoped that the parts of you I was getting was not the real you and that one day, in due time I will get to see the real you. I would look at you as if you were my sky but when you looked at me you just look at me.

          I have moments of you on my phone, moments you have no idea that I had. I wanted the parts of you that you were scared to show, the parts that you shut people from seeing, the parts I would love. Even as we speak I can taste your lips, I can smell you, I can feel your hand touching my thigh, I can feel your mouth on my skin and its things like that I refuse to let go but you are no good for me. I've cried my eyes out from the hurt, the pain you've caused me…  I look in the mirror and I see myself changing but I can no longer recognize me. I’m torn, broken, hurt and weak. All these emotions are based off what you did to me. I wanted you so much but you never wanted me.